Disconnected

I struggle, just like any other person. But this struggle is one I need perspective on. Someone outside of my head, someone outside of my heart. Tell me, teach me, show me something I can’t seem to see on my own. I didn’t form bonds in my younger years. I had an orphans view of bonding which is obvs not a healthy view. I always seemed to need or care to much. After years of abuse I became hard and selfish. When I was on the streets I didn’t expect anything good but I didn’t care. People came and went and I cared for fleeting moments and on I went. Foster homes, institutions, group homes, different sides of different towns, cities, streets. Always wanting a home and a family and an identity. I couldn’t hold onto anything or anyone. I had children I didn’t know how to parent. Thankfully God knew what was best for them and placed them where they needed to be. I had to lose them all to hit absolute rock bottom. Court ordered to trauma therapy is what finally helped me to change my course and eventually be reconciled with my kids. We learn together about healthy relationships and healthy self love. Because guess what? I still don’t know how to have friends. I still yearn for family. I yearn for them to have family. For them to have friends. I find that even though I’m not in the streets or institutions. Even though I am married now with a house full of kids, we don’t have many friends. The friends I do have seem to do things that make me more comfortable friendless. How does that make sense? My grumpy husband is like a friend magnet and me, the nice one, the one who never wants to ruffle feathers or hurt anyone’s feelings, I’m the one who can’t keep friends to save my life. Be myself they say, but myself doesn’t know how to keep healthy friendships. How do I learn? I’ve prayed for along time about this. Show me Lord what I need to know. Amen.